More Yarnz

I decided to visit my sweet homeland, Nigeria after four long years of grilling absence. Ok, nobody told me to stay away for that long but nobody told me I was gonna work like a horse in the United States and take on the most dangerous jobs of all. SIGH. Neways I headed for the home country. It was kind of surreal for me initially, hmmm I boarded that Airfrance aircraft thinking seriously about french wine....I could be an alcoholic sometimes...lol. And yeah, did i get drunk on that plane , thanks to my neighbor, the elderly french man who insisted we try each and every flavor of wine on board. I got to Paris all fucked up!! My eyes kinda came wide open when I boarded the aircraft headed for Naija in Paris and there we go....trust Nigerians...people were actually yelling at each other, fighting for overhead place, and I was like, hmmnn Nigerians will never disappoint me. UP NIGERIA!!
As if that wasnt enough, I had slept off before the first meal was served, my ass was tired,then I was being rudely shaken awake by a man across the aisle, yelling into my ears '' u no go chop???'' If I had a bow and arrow, you all know what would have happened to the punk ass. I gave him and the poor flight attendant an evil look before going back to slumber land.I was drunk, I was fucked and I wanted to be left alone!!

It was fun seeing old friends again, so much much fine. Old wine, they say is better........
It was good seeing David Sherman again, though he threw my feelings back in my face and I decided we had better part as friends though I dont know if I will ever forgive him. He is such a punkass. Poet, my ass!!

Every disappointment they say is a blessing in disguise...if you know what I mean. i wish I wanted to be free, that would be a great excuse but every day I watch my nephew grow and its really begining to dawn on my big head that I am always gonna be Aunty Yayi, not his mummy....well, I guess I need to start breeding. Sounds cold I know, but what else would you call an eight pound human being tearing you apart to come to the world? what would you call having a living thing inside of you for nine long freaking months?? Or what would you call the living thing's daddy rutting and grunting on top of you five freaking minutes every other freaking day?? Its fucking breeding.....nothing else!! I freaking want a baby but I am not looking forward to the pregnancy thingy!!!Well....the rutting and the grunting I could deal with!

Yarnz!

Its been forever, I know. Sometimes I try to write something but I always come up against a brick wall. It wasnt a writer's block or anything like that, it was just pure laziness and lack of motivation on my side. How am I ever gonna be motivated....I dont know.

I missed one of my best friends' wedding. I am still hurting from that. Na the job wey I take myself do! Ok, why do some females, 25 yr old women wait on their mothers to pack their bags. We were supposed to move our stuffs out of an apartment we had been living in for a year and my dear flatmate informed me that she was waiting on her mum to help her to pack......I just lost it! The girl has a 3 yr old daughter but she would wait on her mum to help her pack and clean up! I am sure next time she sees me, she would run in the opposite direction.

Alright, who said men from Trinidad are not gorgeous?? I met one and I swooned, actually swonned into a shopping cart at Kroger! I went home with a big bump on my head! When will I stop swooning?? I nursed a crush on Bimbola for five years and swooned at his feet anytime he much as smiled at me.....the poor boy had no idea why I had accidents anytime he walked past!

My four year old nephew is a big tease! I run after him every morning, trying to get him ready for school. If I call out to him and say '' Come on, lets go take a bath'', he would run in the opposite direction, yelling ''Yes Baby'', sometimes he yells '' Yes, Booty''.
I just came back after a year away from home and I stripped that first day, exhausted from my flight and longing for a hot shower. My nephew stared open mouthed for a minute, then yelled '' Oh No, Aunty Yayi Big Bombom''. I was so embarrassed. I am sure people out there in the living room heard the cheeky boy. I dont know where he got all those words from!!Well, typical male....all booty and boobies talk!

This vacation is good for my spirit. There has been a lot of events since I got home.....birthdays, naming ceremonies, graduations etc. And God bless those people because they serve puff-puff everytime. Thats my favorite finger food. I hope I wont become obese before I go back to work. My initial plan was to loose some pounds but that plan stayed at the airport when I got home.

God will help me!

John

I feel weird today well I always feel weird. Oh my God...I still cant believe my eyes. I had come out of Walmart today and who did I see walking in the parking lot? My mouth dropped open and my throat closed in suprise, no sound came out! I watched as the person got into a truck, and drove off. I was still frozen to the spot, jaw on the ground when the vehicle stopped by the crosswalk in front of the doors. I couldnt move. The driver behind the wheel got impatient and moved forward, then slammed the brakes when our eyes met. It was my former boss. I watched him as recognition dawned and his face took on that penetrating look that used to leave me burning in flames.I felt myself burning up immediately and I cursed silently wishing my mouth to close but alas my jaw was still on the ground. I watched him as he slowly drove away.

I cajoled my inner strenght to get me out of there.My jaw decided to jump back up to my face. I walked towards Sandra my Honda Accord. I just couldnt believe what I just saw. My former boss...yes he was the one. What was he doing around here? I never thought I would ever see him again. He had resigned abruptly from the company with no explanations. Rumours had it that he had gone deep into the Cheerokee Mountains in Dakota, he was half-indian.He never contacted anybody afterwards. It had been two years that he had left, leaving me to wallow in misery.

I reached Sandra on shaky legs and managed to open the door. I shook my head trying to clear the imaginary cobwebs. Did I really see John or was I having a bad dream? He had left with no forwarding address, disappeared into thin air.I drove home, trying not to think about him. He was gone and he would remain like that in my heart.

I cursed as my neighbor;s dog dashed in front of me.....what the heck was wrong with that dog?? I am not gonna go to jail for that slutty dog. The moment I stepped down from the car, it was all over me. A beautiful German Sheperd that would betray its owner for a five minute petting session. I loved the dog to bits. After some vigorous belly rubbing,it bounded away into the yard. I wrestled the shopping bags out and staggered towards my door.I dropped the bags and started fishing for the keys. Now what did I do with them?? Found them and started opening the door.

I heard a faint sound behind me but before I could turn around, a heavy hand grabbed my shoulder and propelled me into the house. I tore myself off, and took off running into the kitchen, hoping to grab some kind of weapon. I made like three steps before I was wrestled down to the floor. I opened my mouth to scream and a hand was clamped over my mouth. I trembled so hard. I have never been attacked before.My mind spun!!

''Hey babe'', came that voice. My trembling ceased. It was him! How in the world did he find me? he must have followed me home. He turned me around and our eyes clashed. I could feel him looking deep into my soul. His penetrating dark eyes seared my very core. He removed his hand and his hot mouth replaced it. I breathed him in. Oh my God, I have missed him so much. His hot mouth ravaged mine as he delved in, taking all the honey he could find. I kissed him back for all I was worth. His hands roamed over me, stopping to cup my heavy breasts. I trembled and gushed.His huge hands tore at my shirt, sending buttons flying. I watched in a daze as he unclipped the front clasp and my dark huge nipples were exposed to his hot gaze.

His mouth descended and closed on one nipple, my back came off the floor as he suckled me deeply. I let out a small scream and tore at his T shirt. I heaved a sigh of satisfaction when my nipples came into contact with his hairy chest.I wanted this man and I was gonna have him. The rest of our clothes came flying off and then, he positioned me on my knees. I knew what was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for the huge steely hotness that invaded my very core. I screamed as I gushed hotly, he grabbed my heavy boobs and pounded hard into me, urging me to ride with him. I rode with him till I got to the cliff of ectasy again, jumping off it and trembling as he lunged high inside of me, coming in waves of hot climax.

Our trembling stopped as we came down to earth, I turned around, still on my knees and gave him a hard slap to his face!!

GOKSIDE

Sometimes I feel like life has come to an end....sometimes I feel like it is just beginning. I hate it when soldiers die but yet I remind myself it is a cross we all have to bear. Soldiers' deaths might be premature but what is the joy in suffering from a terminal disease?

Right now Adegoke I am staring at your picture....My mind travels back to when you joined us at third grade. I remember how neat your uniform was, you were the tallest boy in class and I thought you were the most arrongant pupil that ever crossed staff school. Each time my mom would pick us up from school and we would go check the house she was building at Ijokodo, you would be strutting down that particular street..all 9-year-old arrogance and I would stick out my tongue and made googoo faces at you from the safety of car. You were a complete gentleman so the girls said but I wasnt gonna put up with your arrogance.

One day, as I dragged my feet across Post Graduate Hall, somebody stopped me by pulling on my arm. I stopped short, looked up and my throat closed up. There you were....all grown up!!! A man....not "that boy from my class!!" I recognised you immediately...then you called my full name and there and then started a friendship that nothing could destroy.

You became my brother Goke, though I was a bit older than you, you were the big brother I ever needed. I cant count the number of times I would cry on your shoulder, lamenting about my broken heart. I cant count the number of times I would curl up in your bed, shivering from malaria. what about all the times I would grab all I could grab from your refrigerator when I became broke. What about all the heart to heart talks?? What about the way we laughed at my ex-fiance?? What about your promise to fight till the end??

You fought...yes you did. I couldnt bear to see you like that yet I didnt wanna let you go. Ours was a bond that couldnt be broken!!! What about our plans to get Sunny Ade to play on your wedding day?? What about our plans for the Committee of Friends?? What about our plans to paint Naija red and blue?? what about our plans to see each other kids and tell them stories of Staff School and Great Ife??

Death you are a liar.....guess what?? Adegoke will forever remain in my heart..our bond will never be broken. Rest in peace my love. A day is coming when we shall meet to part no more.

Hmmm.....Stereotypes!!

Hmmn its been a year..I know. Not my fault...na the job wey I take myself go do o. I have missed you guys. It was not easy without MEMORIES. My fingers itched so often but there was no way I could grab my Toshi gal and blog. My lovely Sandra had been dried out by the Florida sun, I was heart broken when I saw her. Her battery was dead!!

Life , they say is short. Yes, indeed! She was the apple of Joseph's eyes but death snatched her when they had just become newlyweds again. I miss you everyday Mummy. So much had happened in the past one year, I cant begin to narrate all my stories. Its been a year of many changes...a lot of growing up was done too.

How come marriages are failing nowadays? A lot of young couples are getting divorced. It is really sad. I dont know what the problem is but I do have a strong suspicion that it has to do with the zero level of tolerance that this generation has.

Hmmm, people and stereotypes......oyinbo girls are better than african american girls, african americans are better than Naija girls,...Naija girls are better than Naija men,...Ghanian men are better as husbands than Ibo men..... Hausa men are better husbands than Itshekiri men......Yoruba men are lazy......Ibo men have money than Hausa men.....abeg o. I am just fed up.

Now, I know it is really one's happiness that matters...not a Yoruba man or Ijaw girl. A good man/woman is good. I met an African American man some months back, and believe me I have never been this happy.

I am a bit rusty, I have so much I wanna talk about but I cant gather my thoughts right now. Its good to be back. Thanks for the comments always.

House of Commotion

Pheeewww......Its been a while, I know. Relocating is not an easy task, especially when you have to move kitchen wares. Last year I had gone to Linen and Things off Highway 6 to simply stroll away the time. It was one of those frigging boring days. I had gone back to the house with a trunk filled with Cuisinart Pots, Faberware Shogun-Like Knives,Microwave, Blender, Toaster.....Hamilton Beach seems to be in vogue. Cartons of dinner plates and silverware. So much for a stroll and so much for my bank account. I nearly collasped when I saw the bill but trust Yayi, I am simply obssesed with buying kitchen wares. I need to be given an award...lol
I had finished sorting out my clothes,shoes.....well those went to Salvation Army, when I remembered that I got some stuffs in the attic...meeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn!!! I wished with all my heart that those Iya Paro women exist in the United States. I would have sold all my shoes, most of my clothes and half of the kitchen wares. I remember when I was growing up, TemmyTayo, G-Funk and I used to sell my mother's coca cola bottles and old shoes to those Iya Paro women, they would wanna give us a new plastic bucket in return but we always preffered the cash....to buy cheese balls. We had to stop when my mum noticed that the box filled with shoes was gradually losing its contents.
I climbed to the attic, grabbed a box of casserole dishes and gingerly stepped down. My big toe caught on one of the steps......yelp......and I rolled down the rest of the way. You should listen to my landing style. All my pilots friends would be green with envy. My landing on the pantry floor with the box as a parachute was so smooth, I felt like I had been dropped from the claws of a giant eagle onto some pine trees.I must have lost consciousness because the next thing I knew I was slamming into the washer and dryer. Devil sleep....yanga go wake am.Why in the world didnt I wait for my brother to get back from his job or something????? Superwoman!!! Neways I survived the crash but I am left with a badly sprained finger, its all bent and funny. I was shedding tears like a bush baby when my brother tried to massage and straighten it before putting a bandage on it. Hence....my absence.No finger to type.
I finally relocated to a beach town.A town filled with elderly people, sometimes I wonder if I had travelled back in time. They are everywhere, they wait tables, they are at the convenience stores, they check you out in Walmart and I am always like....these people aint supposed to be working meeeeen!!! They are supposed to be rocking their grandbabies on dem porches. Neways I am a housemate of four men. A big apartment, I have never seen one like it.I was given the Master bedroom....why because I am a LADY.....lol.
It took me just two days to blend in. I made up my mind I wanted to be treated like one of the boys. I did not want no special preferences but I got one before I even got to the house,....the master bedroom.In my short time here , I learnt the real meaning of family. These men are not related infact they are from different Nigerian tribes but you wouldnt know until somebody told you.One great thing about them is that nobody claims anything especially in the kitchen.....everything is for everybody. Damn, men are so easy to live with. They do their shit and you do yours. They mind their business, you mind yours. Well.....that is as long as you are not romantically involved with a man.
Sometimes I am at the receiving end of a weekend long teasing session. Initially I used to try to clarify things, defend myself and try to be the peacemaker in the arguments but now? HELL NO. I am now even worse...D called me a tout today because I felt he should have punched somebody first before giving the warning. I am having a wonderful time being a mate in the house. I guess that is what happens to you when you realise that you might spend the next six years in Iraq or in the Amazon fighting jet bombers and dodging land mines. Living with four men is nothing compared to Basic Training in the Army.
I am gonna miss them when I leave town again. Though it is a house of commotion, I love each one of them to pieces. I like their girlfriends too at least the ones I know...lol. I cant count how many T has,because he is always on the fone in low tones...dont know what the heck he is always talkng about.K is the master trouble shooter, intelligent,suave but you dont wanna be teased by him because you might wanna kill him. D is the quiet one but once he talks everybody rolls on the floor in gales of laughter. His ideas are different from everything and anything normal. A is my jogging partner....very nice and quick tempered.
They control the living room with the pads of the computer games and I control the kitchen with a big spatula...lol. Somebody asked me today if I was a girlfriend of one of these men and I said....well I am actually a girlfriend to the four men!! Her jaw dropped. She likes one of them....but I gotta approve first.lol
Ouch.....my finger!! The pain again...I gotta go!!!

David Sherman

I had never met anyone like him. He had the most amazing sense of humour that left me clutching my sides in laughter.Exactly what does it for me. Please just make me laugh!!

We met at a meeting for young American poets. Last year I had dabbled a bit in poetry and I am proud to say three of my poems got published. I noticed him right away, he was taller than most men and had a fascinating prescence about him. When he walked towards the podium, I noticed a sailor gait and I wondered if he had been in the Navy. He got on the podium and started reading out a section of the newly published poetry. His voice was deep, fluid with a dangerous edge to it. Goose pimples raced on my arms when he smiled. He was the most attractive man I ever saw. He was tall, heavily built and fair skinned with the most perfect pencil line thin mustache I ever saw. His skin was clear and his neck made a sharp constrast to his white shirt and navy pin striped jacket. He was immaculate, gold cuff links gleaming with what I suspected to be a Rolex. I wondered if he was a Latino, a Black man or a Mulatto.

His name was David Sherman. He was from Louisiana hence the very light complexion and curly hair. He was so handsome I felt like fainting at his feet.He had been a Naval Officer before an injury forced him into early retirement.I was right about the sailor gait.He was now fully occupied with the family business, a lucrative timber industry.We talked poetry for sometime then he asked me to have dinner with him.My mind raced, I had nothing with me that would do. Fortunately, the hotel had provisions for that kind of service. I was directed to a store just two blocks away. After two hours, I finally got what I wanted. It was a long red number with an halter bodice. It fitted perfectly like it was made for me. A black clutch and sandals completed the outfit with black costume earrings.

Las Vegas lights burned bright as we made our way out of the restaurant. I had been wined and dined in the most romantic way. I was told I looked beautiful hundred of times.I giggled like a teenager and gazed with large adoring eyes into David's, I was hooked and I wanted him like something fierce. It was a fever inside of me that could only be quenched by the taste of his lips, the feel of his arms and his strong thighs. We got back to the hotel and I was still giggling till he said goodnight at my door. What the....

Suddenly he turned back, grabbed me and slammed me into the wall, kissing me so deeply I nearly lost my senses.He went deeper and deeper and I sunk into his embrace feeling all the fire raging inside of me.We made it to the bed in record time. The red dress came off, next the red panties came off in bits with big hands tearing at them like that. David ran his big palms all over me, taking stronger and slower strokes on my thighs. Passion raged and the juices gushed, I was lost to the magic of his touch. He tore off his own clothes and settled his weight on me, anchoring me to the bed with one strong thigh.He caressed my boobs roughly and suckled them so hard I nearly came off the bed.I tore at my hair, the pleasure was too intense.He kissed his way down to my navel, then the apex of my thighs. I grabbed at his silky curls holding on to dear life when his hot mouth settled at the honey pot. I screamed as my juices gushed and flowed onto his hot tongue. I trembled hard,completely off the edge.

David lunged up and sat on the edge of the bed, taking me with him to straddle him. He wore protection then lowered me so gently onto his pole. He was big and so hard. His face was tight and I knew he was gonna go over the edge any minute. His muscles bulged and the veins on his neck stood out as I rode him. He grabbed my ass and stopped me. I shrieked in protest. He heaved a steadying breath then ever so slowly, he started rotating my hips round and round and round. He held onto my ass, spanking me every now and then as he rolled me round. I moaned and said things I can not repeat. He whispered feverishly to me as I held him tight inside me. Suddenly David stood up, lifted me high with my legs around his lean waist and fucked me so hard I couldnt breath. Then it slammed onto me and I screamed so hard as he lost control, lunging in so hard and high. I came in hot gushing waves as he came too, moaning so loud, calling my name...calling my name.....Yayi...Yayi.....Yayi

''Yayi'', I came sharply awake. DAMN....what the ....Shit!!
It was my sis calling me. I looked around, a little disoriented. I was in my room, on the bed and right there in my right hand was an almost empty can of coke. I felt a wetness and lo and behold, the coke had spilled from the can to the top of thighs.

Damn!!!!!!

Is Dude not Cursed?

This is not a week to get mad at guys but sometimes I can not just help it. I got a call from one of my girlfriends last night. She called around midnight. I knew there was something wrong immediately I saw that she was the one calling. We gisted about normal stuffs for a while before she let the beans spill. She had been hood winked. Sometimes I believe it is better to be financially defrauded than to be emotionally robbed.

She knew the guy from college, they were in the same department. Though they were not friends, they said hello now and then. She and the guy hooked up sometime ago and became friendly. She told me how happy he had been when he met her again at a friend's party. Before long the guy started asking for a date, he was so persistent and looked like a fool in love that she agreed and started dating him. Few months into the relationship she realised he had been messing around with another girl, an akata. They had a quarrel and she forgave him because he promised to stop seeing the girl.

Later he started talking about living together, though she was wary of that she agreed and moved in with him.Then he started acting all crazy, staying out late, lying about everything, stealing her money,trying to use her credit cards behind her back. Neways she found out he was planning on dumping her because the akata girl he had been messing with had been threatening him with a gun whenever he couldnt give her some money to buy crack. They had another quarrel, he started throwing her stuffs out of the house and she called the cops on him.

My question was" Is his ass rotting in jail?" She said 'No,'
''why not?
'' cos of old times''

Fuck old times!! One of the guy's friends called her and told her stuffs she never believed anybody could say about another human being. She found out he had been lying about his background, saying his father has a mansion, he is being owed 800million naira by the Naija govt, when the poor man has a small shop where he sews clothes for people at Ebute Metta, all kind of craps you will never believe a 33 year old man would say. I didnt know people like that still existed.

Neways when I heard that another friend of mine got dumped by her husband of 4 years. Why? He went to England, met another lady, called my friend and told her it was over. She could send the two kids over to see him when they are older. Can you beat that? She had empited her bank account and gave him all her money before he left for England on the pretext that he got wind of some profitable business.

Why would anybody do that to another human being when this life is just too short and this world is just too small? Why do men do that? Always not satisfied with what they have?

Like that one that left his family, I am sure he is gonna come back one day maybe when the kids are getting married and wear agbada, behaving as if he was the one that trained them.

That one that was living a double life, owing people money, borrowing and stealing from other people, what kind of children does he wanna raise? My friend really rained curses on him because she actually liked him genuiely not caring whether he was from a poor family or not. What she couldnt take was the lies then the disrespect. I dont blame her though, his ass should be in jail by now. Can you imagine, she was the one feeding him, buying everything in the house be it clothes, food, talk of it.And he had nothing to pay her back with than to be fucking a crack head in a park. Na wah o.

When my friend got off the phone, I started wondering if the dude was not cursed because my friend was an opportunity for him to restructure his life. She is just too nice and generous a girl.I pray she finds the strenght to get on with her life and the heart to forgive him.

What Men Want

This has been a horrible week. For starters I drove all the way from Texas to Georgia. Mapquest kindly informed me that the trip was gonna be 12 hours and 56 minutes. I left Houston at 5am, it was still dark and raining and all those trucks were going over the speed limit as if they had no breaks. I tried as much as possible to enjoy the first strecht of my trip with Sandra, my Honda Accord and my Alpine stereo blaring some much love country music. After two hours of straining my eyes to see through the windshield, I stopped at Beaumont, slept for half an hour then got down to get me some coffee at the Waffle House. My spirits were uplifted when the owner, an elderly black man greeted me so nicely and gave me a bear hug. Yes!!! Now I felt I was onto some adventure.


I was still in an adventurous mood when I left the state of Texas behind, then passed through the great swamps of Louisiana. There, it took a conscious effort to keep my mouth closed. I couldnt help but marvel at what God had created. The swamps were vast, miles and miles wide. I nearly stopped on one of the bridges, just to praise God, you know. The roads were not so good but I had an eyeful of swamps, Indian rivers, amazing bridges and lakes. Missisippi was a hundred mile and I did that in no time, crossing into Alabama. This was where I started getting tired and all adventurous spirits flew out of the window. I wasnt sleepy just tired of talking to myself. To make matters worse, it got really dark at exactly 5pm and I couldnt really see and so I had to be driving at 50m/hr.It was ridiculous. I was about 70 miles away from the state of Georgia when I saw this big placard with ''LIONS" on it. I wanted to pee so bad but that strecht of the road was the wildest wilderness I had ever seen in my life. I nearly stopped to pee though but that big placard changed my mind. No use getting chased by a lion with my pants around my ankles. What would be the use of running from a lion anyway?

I got to Atlanta at 10pm, then couldnt get down from the car. My right ankle was messed up and there was this raging pain in my lower back, you know like how expectant mothers in labour scream about that part of the body? Ok hot shower, Tylenol, and vapor rub did the trick.I slept off dreaming about lions and swamps. When I woke up the next day, my nose wouldnt stop running and I knew there was something wrong. Neways I came down with the most furious 'flu I ever encountered. Each breath was painful to the grind. I hated to be helpless like that but I couldnt do a damn thing to help myself.I had no relief until I took ALABUKUN two days after the whole thing started. Now, the fever is gone but I am left with an irritating cough. I thank God that I am even blogging tonight because the way I felt two days ago eeehhn, I thought I was gonna recover next month.

Being ill and confined to bed really made me think about some stuffs.

Whoever said that women are difficult to please?????? Excuse me and pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I really had time to go over my youthful sojourn.

When I was 11 years old, all the boys in our neighborhood liked me and wanted me as a girlfriend because I could play soccer and was not afraid of getting dirty.
When I was 12, most of the boys did not like me because I could score more goals and outrun them in 100 meters race; I was the Red House Champion.
They suddenly liked me again when I sprouted boobs almost as big as my head and hated me immediately Pa stopped me from playing with them and I started wearing a bra.
The boys in high school liked me because I could dance and rap like them,knew all the lyrics of the songs by Naughty By Nature but they hated me because I wouldnt give out. Not even a kiss, Hell No!!
In college, the guys were crazy in lust and I didnt understand or see WHY!! Some said it was the daring attitude, some said it was my bouncy gait, some said it was the tomboyish thing..........yuck!! Well I have never seen myself as a male. I just do things my own way.
Halfway through college....some guys claimed it was my ability to take charge and take care of stuffs that drove them wild. One guy admitted to having a hard-on the day he saw me checking out the engine of a car. Some said it was the way I could jump start any car on campus or help a friend change a flat tyre. Now hold up....I did not study mechanical engineering in school, It was just the way Pa brought us up. Why would I pussy-foot around if I could do it myself??

Ok......I guess that was sexy to them right?? YUCK.

Now where do I get the feeling that men are actually scared of sharp girls?

You change tires...........you are a tomboy!
You wear decent clothes.............you are not sexy!
You are wild in bed.................you are a prostitute!
You dont think about marriage..............you are not focused!
You dont want sex....................you must be getting it somewhere else!
You want sex after marriage............you are old fashioned!
You dress like Beyonce.................you are trashy!
You wear Loreal........................you look like an Idian War Chief!
You wear french manicure...........that is why you can not cook!
You cook.........................and that is why he is getting fat!
You dare to be right............you are gonna be on your knees begging till daybreak!
You show some sexy moves..........you have started watching dirty movies without him!
You braid your hair..............it disturbs the sex!
You wear a low cut............."i love my woman with some hair"!
You are quiet..............you must be thinking of an ex!
You are talking..............you talk too much!
You make decisions............you have now become a man!
You are PMSing..........................you look like his grandmother!
You are smiling.....................you have a secret!
You are beautiful..............you are planning to run away with another man!

I can not go on o!
I KNOW THAT MEN ARE DIFFICULT TO PLEASE. Shikena

They do not have an idea of what they want!

Flight 96

I am on vacation. I guess you guys would be wondering about these vacations I take at the drop of a hat. I have a contract job so anytime I get fed up with things, I just drop everything and take a breather. In 2006 I worked non-stop for nine months before i took a vacation for one week. I didnt really enjoy myself because I was too tired to stay awake and tour the great city of New York. The only meaningful thing I did was to go on Broadway and watch The Producers, a great experience indeed. Ok, then went to the street mall at Furdham and spent all my life savings shopping for my nieces and nephew.My sisters were amazed but guess what, I didnt buy a single item for them. They didnt find that funny though.
I decided to travel on Christmas morning to the East Coast. I didnt wanna go through the hassels of organizing christmas lunches and dinners for the entire family so I bailed out, wanting to go where I would be a guest not the glorified caterer and maid rolled into one.

The airport was quiet and for a moment I thought the planes were grounded because of the weather. We boarded and took off on time. Half an hour into the flight, the Captain's voice came out loud and clear over the speakers informing us that we should remain seated at least for the next one hundred miles because there was gonna be so much turbulence. God knows I hate flying already, then this??? I tried to dose off to no avail. I increased the volume of the country music I was listening to, trying to block out the sounds made by the engines of the aircraft or better still block out the fact that I was thousands of miles above ground. Then it started. The shaking, the trembling and the slight dives.I was terrified.

I have a habit of studying the flight attendants. By their faces ye shall know your fate.I was really praying for mercy when I looked up and sighted one of the flight attendants walking down the aisle holding the compartments railing for support, shook her head sadly at her colleague at the end of the aisle. Now what was that???? Apparently I wasnt the only one who saw that gesture because a man suddenly shouted from behind me.
'' What the hell is going on'? The lady stopped short.
''Nothing' she said.
''Nothing my ass. I need to know what the hell is going on with this plane. A man gotta know if he's gonna die'' he shouted angrily. Passengers started getting excited and the flight attendant quickly made her way to the back of the aircraft. Kids started getting restless, people started getting up.

An elderly man got up and spoke in gentle tones telling everybody to be calm. Another guy got up, he had the longest ponytail I had ever seen on a man and he looked like a tatoo shop.
''Who the fuck do you think you are old man?'' he screamed. 'Do you think I wanna die? I wanna know what the fuck is wrong with this plane''
''Will you guys stop it? a lady with a screaming baby cried out over the bedlam.
People started cursing the airline and the twenty-something-year-olds planes they make people buy expensive tickets for. The flight attendants looked on. The frigging plane was still shaking and trembling.
''There is nothing wrong with the plane, its the weather''
''Fuck the weather''
''what kind of fucked up flight is this?

I knew it was the weather but I was too paralysed with fear to think straight. My whole body was trembling expecting the plane to nose dive any minute. There and then I knew I love life. I wanted to live and It was that thought that gave me strenght and focus to pray.
'' Father Lord, please have mercy. Have mercy on me. Please do not let me regret this trip. Father today is christmas and I can not die on a christmas day. Everybody in my family will go crazy if anything should happen to me, I plead the blood of Jesus on my body,my spirit and my soul''
I raised my voice as my trembling reduced. I could feel people turning to look at me. I prayed very loud and I could feel them going back to their seats one by one.In a short time, the passengers were all quiet. I prayed non-stop till we landed.

When I got to baggage claim, I sat down for half an hour before getting my bags. My legs were shaking so badly I could hardly walk. That flight was indeed fucked up. I thank God that we landed safely.

Heavenly Blessings

Today was hectic. The weather was crazy, flunctuating between roasting everyone alive and turning people into cold slabs of meat. I never listen to the weather news anymore. The Almighty is not predictable neither is the weather he created for us mere mortals.The saying that goes'' We are nothing but pencil in the hands........,'' gets drummed into my head each time I step out of the house and look up into the skies. Texas weather is bloody unpredictable.

Mere mortals so are we. Mere mortals with propositions. The Almighty has given us the power of choice so they say but wouldnt it be great if we could walk up to that majestic throne and find out exactly what is expected of us in this crazy world.

Search......I keep searching for peace. Is it what I have to buy or seek for? Is it free or I have to spend money to get it? I really do not know. Loneliness has become a way of life. Boredom, a daily activity.
Work......I keep working for money. Yet, I am not fulfilled if I do not reach out to people around me.Some call me generous, some say I am wasteful but what is money if there is no joy? What are the riches if there is no one to share them with?

The way my heart is! Riches untapped. Riches untamed. So much wealth to give.So much love to offer.

As each day passes by, I look towards the Almighty's abode praying for His reaching hands. My heart is revealed and my hands are strechted out to receive His heavenly fruits.

I want a baby!!!

Lift To The Stars

I stalked out through the automatic doors, giving my boss a baleful look one more time. How we were going to round up sales before the tax season beat me. She was making everybody's life miserable. I grinned when I remembered how stunned she was when I announced I needed a smoke break. She knew I was not a smoker but she could kiss my ass. I marched quickly towards the elevators casting wary glances behind me. I did not want any of my colleagues to tag along. They were sure to ruin the air with nicotine.

I was tired, hungry and sleepy. I stepped into the elevator and as luck would have it, I saw nobody in need of a smoke break rushing to ride the elevator with me. I punched the basement button. I needed a nap badly and the best place to have it would be inside Sandra, my loyal Honda Accord.The elevator moved down from the ninth floor sluggishly. I frowned, now what the heck was wrong with this thing. It gave a jerk,lurched and came to an abrupt stop. No, No, Heck NO!! I waited two minutes, nothing.I punched the emergency buttons, praying with all my heart that those bloody leering security guards were paying attention, not off somewhere playing dominoes.

Five minutes, then the elevator gave a jerk and plunged!!! I screamed grabbing the railing in terror. Ohmigod!!!I never planned on ending my life like this; plummenting from the ninth floor of a thirty year old building in a demented elevator. I was sure the bloody thing hadnt given nobody warning signs. Why me???!!!! I held on for dear life expecting the crash in a second but it suddenly lurched to a stop and I landed on my back with my legs up in the air.My Boss is a Witch!!!! It trembled like a wet chicken then moved before coming to a rest. I peeked at the buttons.''G'' for Garage!! I scrambled up, punched the exit buttons in a frenzy. The doors swooshed open and I flew out, smack into a wall. My world reeled and I landed on my ass.

''Damn.Please pay attention,'' came the growl from somewhere above me. My eyes travelled from alligator shodded feet to blazing dark eyes underneath some bushy brows.
Now what a minute, I was supposed to be mad here. I got to my feet, thanking the Lord I had on some leather pants. What would have happened if I was in some nice short skirt? Mr Alligator Shoes would have had an unrestricted view of the solo grass plantation because I never wear knickers until that time of the month when my biological clock tick to remind me of my spinsterhood state.

I watched him as he strode into the death trap. He gave me another ''my cat wouldnt bother with you'' look before the elevators doors closed. I waited patiently. It wasnt long before I heard the screams and who ran out half crazed with fear? Mr Alligator Shoes!! I gave him a huge witchy grin before catwalking to Sandra. Good Ol Gal was waiting for me. I snuggled deep into the reclined seat as that naughty thought registered in my mind. That was one piece of delicious male flesh. All lean and hard. Dark smoky eyes, shaggy eyebrows and a height to die for. All arrogance and self-confidence.

I went back to the building half an hour later. I was alert after that much needed nap and I gave that elevator a wide berth, going to the front of the building to use the service elevator.I gave the security guy a nasty look before walking to the elevator.My butt still hurt.I punched the button and waited. The doors opened and I stepped inside only to come short a step. There, leaning against the wall was Mr Alligator Shoes. I waited, expecting him to get his butt off but he made no move towards the doors. I punched 9 and the doors closed. I felt uncomfortable immediately. All my senses rose into sharp focus and I could feel my pulse racing off. His scent enveloped me and the hair at the back of my neck rose sharply.My heart nearly stopped when he came to stand directly behind me.

His breath fanned the back of my neck and hot fingers of desire and lust raced down my spine.His arms snaked around my waist and turned me to face him. When he looked down into my eys, I got lost in the dark hot pools of his eyes. Then our lips met, tentatively then hungrily. We kissed like crazy, both of us exploring each other deeply. His breath tasted sweetly of expensive tobacco and I went all giddy on it. We were alone in our world, our strange world of lust and desire.

We were brought down to earth abruptly by some noise. It came from my boss clearing her throat, looking into the elevator with disapproving eyes.We were already at the ninth floor. I tore myself away from the stranger's arms and escaped. Now what on earth happened back there? I dared not look back. I raced into the office all breathless. My colleagues gave me concerned looks but I ignored them and rushed into the rest room. I stared in shock at my reflection. My lips were tenderly swollen, my hair was tussled and the first button on my shirt was opened revealing a red lacy cup. DANM!!

I avoided my boss throughtout the day. I kept smiling to myself and my best friend finally gave me the finger at the end of the day.

My Boo

I locked myself in the bathroom for an hour, scrubbing and scrubbing away. My sister was knocking hard on the door, yelling at me to get out of there.I simply ignored her. It was common practise that we all took a shower each night before going to bed, so what was her problem? Well, I was not going to jump into bed after the shower because I had plans for the night.I heaved a sigh of relief when my skin tingled. I was as clean as a whistle. I just had to get rid of the day sweat. It had been a long day.

I came out of the bathroom and managed to escape my sister's scornful look.It was none of her business. Fine, I took too long but I needed to be all clean and sweet swelling. I had a date with my Boo.I looked through my closet and nothing of interest caught my eyes, then I went towards my mum's room. There was sure to be something pretty and significant there. It took me just two minutes to find it. Whao!!! It was the white Fulani attire that my aunt had brought for us from Sokoto. The multicolored blouse was just perfect with the white woolen wrapper. The blouse was short, midriff lenght and the wrapper was long, though low riding on the hips. It was perfect for my outing.

I dusted my mum's talcum powder all over and wore the Fulani get-up. My aunt had taught us how to tie the wrapper on her last visit.I glanced at myself in the mirror and grinned. He would be knocked off his rockers. I grabbed a string of beads and wound it around my head. Another one went around my neck. There was something missing. Oh Ok! Make-Up!! I did a little magic and there I was, fully made up like a Fulani chick. I wish I had a calabash, that would complete the picture.

I catwalked into the living room in my flat Fulani slippers.Pa had some guests and they were engrossed in whatever they were discussing. I announced to Pa that I was going out but he paid me no mind so I shrugged, turned sharply and headed towards the front door. Something must have registered at the last minute because he suddenly called my name.I stopped, I was just about to close the doors behind me. I heaved a long-suffering sigh.

I walked towards him and all conversations stopped abruptly.
'' Now where in the world are you going, young lady'' Pa asked.
''....but I told you before'' I started but stopped at his frown. I rolled my eyes.
'' I am going to see my boyfriend'' I announced again, making sure to raise my voice this time.
Pa looked astounded and one of the gentlemen roared with laughter and I rolled my eyes at him. Hiss. What was the big deal about that? I glanced at Pa, he was smiling. He nodded and I turned and catwalked out. I paused when I heard the laughter. Surely they were not laughing at me?

I walked towards Boo's house. He lived just down the street. His mum was outside, rocking a baby. I greeted her and asked for Boo.She called him. My heart raced when I saw his lovely face again. It had just been hours that we last saw each other but to me it felt like days. Boo came to an abrupt halt when he saw me,then he turned and hightailed it away like I was the plague or the ten commandments. Like I was a masquerade or something.Tears pooled in my eyes but I was not going to give up without a fight. I wiped my face clean of the tears, then I started yelling so loud the baby threw a fit.

''Boo, whether you like it or not, I am your girlfriend. If you like, run away, do you hear? I told you this morning and I am telling you right now. I will tell you tomorrow o ehn ehn. You better listen now o. I will tell everybody o, okay.''

I didnt even bother to talk to his mum, I just walked back to my house with tears streaming down my face. Pa was still right where I left him and his friends. He stopped talking when he saw how upset I was.
'' what happened?'' he demanded
''Boo ran away'' I explained between hiccups. Everybody went ''Aaaaaaawwwwwwwwww''
''Dont mind him, Princess. He was just scared. He will apologise tomorrow.You will see'' Pa assured me. I nodded and went to my parents' room then the laughter started again. Now what in the world was so funny?

My mind drifted as I planned on making Boo crawl on his knees tomorrow at the kindegarten school. Why in the world was he scared of me? He was older than me if anything, taller and quite bigger. He was six years old and I was just crawling up to five. maybe all I needed to do now was to kiss him when we get to the playing pen. That would scare all the other girls away. I loved Boo with all my heart and I had told my kindergarten teacher as much. He was mine and I had every intention to posses him. Tomorrow, I would go and play with his baby sister. Or did he want me to be five or six years old before letting the world know of our love? Why was Pa's friend laughing like that? Was it my fulani dress or my beads? Neways I was looking forward to seeing Boo tomorrow.

Miracles

Miracle don happen!!!! LOL.

I woke up two days ago feeling like I was floating on a cushion of light textured clouds. I enforced a one week vacation on my honourable self two weeks ago. The holy book became a constant companion in my sojourn to find the real me. I was like a dry fountain thirsty for the dancing rivers. My heart was opened, my mind was laid bare and I was able to dance to the rhythm of my ancestors.

I wouldnt call it the bata beat because that would indicate the herald of Shango, the thunder king and I am a great respecter of tradition. That would be taking it too far. It was an ancient rhythm, one I have longed for, for months. The call of nature, my wildest dream.

I woke up feeling strange. my body was relaxed, my mind was clear and I could almost hear my heart ticking away. I paused, not sure if I had woken up in my own body. I looked around and it was that curvaceous body. It was Yayi's body. I threw my head back and laughed. It was a sound that would make heavenly maidens dance in their mothers' wombs. It was a laughter filled with a woman's confidence.

I could feel the butterflies!!!! They floated in hundreds, cold yet hot.

I answerd to the call of nature for in my belly was a fierce passion yearning for be fulfilled.

Right now, I am like a walking or driving time bomb. Please beware!!

Every Woman

Quick question. Is there any reason for a woman not to feel like a woman? I mean even at late twenties knocking on the big three oh? For the past four months I have been numb. Physically and emotionally numb. Well the emotional part has been going on for sometime but the physical aspect reared its ugly head about four months ago. I thought it was a passing phase maybe an hormonal issue but I am begininig to think that it is more than that, I am having some serious thoughts that it might be a problem with a capital P.

I love watching old romantic movies. They do something to my inner spirit. Lately, I have found myself hissing at the screen kisses even fast forwarding the scene just to get away from the annoying part. I can not put up with Nigerian love stories especially the ones with titles like Love Will Kill Me, Real Love, I Will Die For Love, Love Is Trouble, To Love You Is To Die. Neways I am just messing around. I saw Real Love, it was good but should have ended with the first part.

Back to my non-woman state. I seem to dread any kind of physical touch nowadays and believe me it is not PMS, it is a cry for help. I guess women generally have that time when the hormones are dancin to the call of nature even if they are not gonna do anything about it, they still feel it. That nurturing feeling. That warm feeling that makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, Agbani should go and siddon. I used to feel like that too at least a whole week in a month. I used to go around with a secret smile, swaying my waist as if I have some jigida on and throwing my legs out in a stalk. You could call it a predator's stalk. This is the time that the womanly charm comes out in full force and woe betide any man at the receiving end. A woman would purr like a cat and would desist from all nagging activities even if its gonna be for a week but alas I do not even have that one week anymore. I dont have that feeling again. Could I be turning into a man?

I want to believe that even men have their ''blues'', I think they call it ''agros''.So what in the world is wrong with Yayi? I visited my gyneacologist last week. Dear Dr R, she said it could be pyschological and as if I would allow myself to be examined by a shrink, Heck No. God Forbid!!! The way I yelled No ehhn the woman nearly left her skin behind. In this foreign land where you would be transferred from one doctor to another all in the name of pychoanalysis, abeg o,I no do. Dr R suggested hormonal treatment and I declined. Patapata I will go to Naija and look for correct herbs. Maybe some fresh ginger tea, organic to be precise and something to rejuvenate my memory. I have a strong feeling its deeply rooted in my memory. Once I remember the feeling then I should be fine.

I am not crazy. I dont think I am neways. I announced to the folks last week after the doctor's visit that I was gonna go anti-male.I didnt tell them the real reason, I would never admit to Pa not even when I am a grandmother that I know about the real stuffs. Never!! So I told the folks that I was going anti-male and nobody and I mean nobody should try to hook me up again. I am not a fire bleching masquerade so if the guys are not smart enough to take the initiative and discover Yayi then they are not good enough for me. I told my mum that if the boy from the church, the pastor's brother should come near me again that I would spit in his face and not ordinary spit, it would be some thick and nasty phelgm. She was shocked. Well, I don talk my own. Its like a raging war within me. Shit!!!!

I wanna be a woman again!!

NEPA

In the late 80s, there was this peculiar style of armed robbery dominating the city I lived in. Well dressed ladies would come to your house, asking for the woman of the house and in all innocence, a hospitable child might throw open the doors inviting them in. The leader brings out a gun and waves it, robbing the house blind of jewelries and money. Well dressed men too would come saying your daddy supposedly asked them to get an important document from the house. Kids repeatedly fell for these tricks, the robberies were usually carried out during school vacations. The robbers knew kids would likely be home alone and normally, naija kids are nice and curious. Sometimes they used the NEPA and NITEL tricks. Posing as NEPA technicians trying to check out the meters or NITEL technicians trying to check out the connection. A lot of household were victims of these people, courtesy of their young kids throwing doors open in hospitable spirits.


So Pa really warned us about opening doors to strangers. We could go outside the yard to play but no talking to strangers. He used to call from his office daily checking on us, reminding us that he hadnt sent nobody to clean the house, cut the grass or pick up documents. During the summer vacation my cousins were with us and the homestead was filled to the brim. We were all outside the yard, actually we were all playing on the streets when we heard the roar of a motor vehicle. We all froze, where the heck did that noise come from? Suddenly, the roaring machine came around the corner with screaming breaks. There in full glare was a brown pick-up truck with NEPA boldly printed on its side.What was most scary was the men on the truck bed, they were holding on to a very long ladder

We scattered in different directions. Not that we havent seen NEPA guys before but it had been sometime that they had come to our street and they were so scary in the brown khaki overalls and giant belts and they were like ten in number.We all made it into the yard and I locked the gates in a frenzy. My heart was in my mouth, surely they were not the real NEPA guys, they were sure to be the people Pa warned us about. My eldest cousin helped me to barricade the front doors. By the time we were doing this, I could hear the men alight from the truck. Right in front of the homestead!!!! I directed my cousins to different hiding places ordering them to be quiet. In a minute you could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly there was a loud rattling at the gates, they were there!!! Though we had a NEPA file we kept for this purpose but in no way was I coming out, when they could be armed robbers, no way!!
'' Come out, we know you are in there", one of them shouted, then I knew I had to do something to protect the homestead, my cousins and the family heirlooms. I crept towards my father's room and grabbed the double barrel.No way was I gonna let those thieves harm us and cart our stuffs away and I wasnt gonna get gagged and strussed up like a chicken. I signaled to my eldest cousin and we moved the barricade behind the front door and crept outside. I looked around the pillar and right there was a man climbing the ladder leaning against the electric pole.

I knew we were done for, he was gonna jump into our yard from the ladder. I moved a little away from the pillar and aimed the double barell at him. He didnt look down because he was busy climbing. I whistled as low as I could and he looked down. He froze and let out a blood chilling scream, grabbing the pole in horror. The guys that were standing by the gates laughed out loud thinking he was mildly electrocuted. He screamed No!!! He hurriedly climbed down, with me still having him in the nuzzle of the double barrel and muttered curses.
'' She wan kill me'' he cried out to his fellow thieves.
'' who wan kill you? abeg go and disconnect the thing. if they no go allow us inside to read the meter and check the bill then we must disconnect''
The other men laughed and moved on to the next house. That was when it dawned on me that they were real NEPA technicians. I was in big trouble but I comforted myself with the thought that he alone saw me, he couldnt prove it and I would deny it. Meen....I thought they were armed robbers.


I thought they were all gone then I stepped away from the pillar only for the man who climbed the ladder to jump out from around the gates and scream,
''Na u, na u wan kill me...aaaaawwwwwwwwwww wetin I do you? Na u , na u dem send to me o. Chineke mei, Na God go punish you o. I go report you o.'
I dashed back into the house locking the front doors again. I was trembling. I returned the double barrel to its place and everything went quiet once more. After sometime, I heard the other men asking him why he wasnt on the pole, disconnecting. I guess one of them must have climbed up there because our electricity suddenly went out and I could hear them tossing the cables into the yard. Well, Well, Well!!! I had gone and done it this time. Why wasnt I bold enough to bring out the NEPA file even if I wasnt gonna allow them in to read the meter. See me see trouble o.

When Mum got home, she demanded to know why we got disconnected and I just had to open up and tell her what I did to the poor guy.She just shook her head at me. When Pa got home, she told him. I was petrified. Pa asked me to go on a walk with him and gave me a lecture about the dangers of aiming guns at people even if they are not loaded.It might turn out to be a police case but he would handle it. He made me promise never to do that again unless I was really sure we were being attacked. Everybody was suprised to see me in one shape when we got back from the walk. I guess Pa spoiled me a little sha.

Our electricity supply got restored that night after Pa paid a visit to the NEPA office. I saw him grab two big bottles of wine when he was going over there and he asked me to saty out of sight if they came back that night to reconnect. He didnt want the guy seeing me and getting all upset again. Whoa, the things I did!!

Driving Lessons

I just knew I had to do it too. I woke up to the roars of a motor vehicle one morning. I had just graduated from high school and was waking up later than usual. I narrowed my sleep groggy eyes towards the wall clock, it was 9am. So who in the world was stepping on the gas and scattering pebbles at this hour, right in front of my house??? Then came the familiar and popular honk........DII DOO DII DOO DEY. I flew high and out of bed. It had to be a friend of mine. I rushed outside the gates and came to an abrupt stop, it was G-Funk. She was driving her mum's car, their young mechanic was riding shotgun. I screamed. I mean....when and how did she learn to drive????? She gave me a thumbs up and pointed at her passenger then realisation dawned. The young mechanic had taught her secretly. I gushed and glowed green with envy. I had been begging my mum since the day I wrote my last paper to let me go to a driving school but the answer had always been NO. I just knew I had to talk to Pa.


That evening I did all the chores in the house, cleaned my parents' room and whatever I could lay my hands on. I made sure Pa saw me slaving away. When the coast became clear, I whined and cajoled Pa till he gave in. Yippee. He called my mum and told her I was ready for some driving lessons but he had no time on his hands to ferry me back and forth from a driving school. Mum thought for a moment, then decided to use one of the official drivers at her job. She mentioned one Mr Adeleke, an experienced driver with the road under his belt. I was so excited I couldnt sleep. I couldnt wait to get my hands on a wheel, though Pa used to let me hold the steering wheel anytime we went out together but that was nothing compared to really driving. I was in the skies, rolling and tossing till morning.

In the morning, mum announced that my younger brother was gonna take driving lessons too. I was generally pissed. I mean, I didnt want no kid tagging along. I wanted to drive before my brother even learnt where the gear stick was, I didnt wanna learn with him. Meeeeeeen....
Neways I had no say in the matter. Mum took us to meet Mr Adeleke. He was an elderly man in his late fifties, very close to retirement. He was short and wiry but seemed very nice and friendly.Mum handed us and her car keys over to him. He led us back to the parking lot and we all piled into the car. He turned to us and asked us to call him Baba Saheed not Mr Adeleke, he complained Mr Adeleke was too formal.

Baba Saheed drove for like forty-five minutes before driving into the gates of a high school. The place was deserted because the students were on vacation. He turned the vehicle onto the large football field, then he scooted to the far side of the seat and asked me to take the wheel. This was pretty easy because I had been doing precisely that with Pa before I was ten years old. I did pretty well before he stopped and asked me to manouver the gear stick. I guess I was overconfident and smiled ruefully. He started calling out the gear numbers
1........2......3......
At 3, I stopped I just couldnt get it. He asked my brother to do it and he did it so pretty well, I casted a suspicious glance his way. somebody must have been teaching him!! Then Baba Saheed turned to me again.
'' o ya fi oko si gear'' ( shift the gear into 1)
'' fi si gear keji'' ( shift it into 2)
'' fi si gear keta'' ( shift in into 3 )..........then the trouble started again
'' ha ha iwo omo yii, ki lo le ninu ko fi oko si gear keta'' ....... (this girl, what is so difficult into shifting the gear to 3) then he proceeded to demostrate.
'' gear 1, hoiiiiiii ''
''gear 2, hoiiiiii ''
'' gear keta, hoi hoi , o ya tun se...................................( do it again now).


The first day of driving lessons was a mess. My brother gloated at me. I had failed woefully. I improved a little with the gear thing the second day. By the fourth day, Baba Saheed had me on the main street. I was shaking with fear but he couldnt careless. He had told my mother he was gonna get us ready in two weeks. Two weeks ke???? Is somebody trying to turn me into a Miracle Micheal Schumacher overnight?? I was gripping the steering wheel like a life line with all eyes on the road when I suddenly sighted a group of friends walking alongside the road. For the life of me, I had not seen those girls in ages, Mum had turned me into a serious aboki. We were bloody due for a housemaid. I forgot about the driving lessons, I forgot about Baba Saheed, I forgot about my brother and mummy's car and I completely forgot I was driving on a main street. I threw my hands up and yelled in delight to my friends, they turned and saw me then yelled back in excitement.I was waving like crazy until a skull-breaking knock landed on my head, the car swerved crazily and Baba Saheed grabbed the steeering wheel, yelling at me to get my foot off the accelerator and march the breaks.

'' parkee oko parkee oko jare'' he yelled at me. ( park the car, park the car )
'' a ni ki o ju gear, o le ju'' ( you havent been able to down shift to three)
'' sugbon o le ju owo si awon ore re '' ( but yet you can wave at your friends )

I was shaking so badly, holding the head and I told Baba Saheed I couldnt continue but he wouldnt let me get down from the car,

'' iwo ti o wa oko de ibi naa ni o wa oko ku ro o, o si le sa lo o'' (You drove the car here, and you are still gonna drive, you cant run away!!!)


Good thing, he didnt tell my parents. Believe me Baba Saheed got us ready in two weeks, my mum couldnt believe it. Bad thing, she absolutely refused to let me near her car, she found out about the gear 3 problem and blaimed me for ruining her gear box. Neways I knew what I had to do, I made an extra copy of her key and got me a ride anytime I wanted one. I dared not go near Pa's car, it was too big neways, my feet wouldnt reach the pedals, pillows or no pillows. Mum would get really furious with me but she was the one who allowed an experienced and professional driver teach me how to drive in two weeks.

I now became the pro, I could drive to Kutuwengi though I didnt have a driver's license until ten years later. One day I tested Pa's car and with the help of a pillow, I was able to reach the pedals and drive it around town. I had a fantastic time honking DII DOO DII DOO DEY down G-funk's street. One day we tried to persuade Temmy to let us use her dad's mercedez to go hang out. She absolutely refused. Chicken!!!!

The Rooster King II

The Rooster King strutted past and we knew what we had to do. G-funk went into the house and came out with a handful of corn.

'' cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo'', she called out to the goloba. The bloody thing ignored us and tossed its giant comb. That thing was nasty looking, all pink and soft.The coaxing wasnt gonna work, we had to come up with another strategy. I went to the kitchen and threw open the door leading out to the big yard, the front door was wide opened too. We looked around to make sure that Mama Tinuke wasnt home then we made a grab for the cock.

The darn thing actually stood its ground and flew at Temmy. She screamed and made a dash for the house. G-funk and I went after it with battle cries. We ran after the cock for several minutes, all to no avail then we decided on another strategy. G-funk trailed the corn from the yard through the back door and into the kitchen then we waited in the living room casting hopeful glances at the back door.

Not long after we did the corn thing, we heard the obvious sounds of the rooster pecking at the corn. We grinned, it was just up to the goloba to peck its way into the kitchen. The bloody thing appeared at the back door but stalled, not sure if it was that lucky to get a wagonlike cornfeed or the gesture was filled with malice. It must have settled for its first thought because it stepped gingerly across the threshold and pecked away into the kitchen.

I tiptoed toward the back door and slammed it shut. Rooster King flew up, startled and let out an ear splitting crow filled with panic. Temmy shut the front door and the mad chase began. Goloba screamed so loud we thought it was gonna bring the neighbors down on us. Finally, we got it trapped in the bathroom, there were feathers all over the tiled floor. G-funk ran for a knife, and handed it over to me while she and Temmy wrestled down the big cock.

Now, this is where it became confusing, I was not ready to slaughter no chicken. I trembled hard, really scared. I shook my head to clear the confusing thoughts and gave G-funk back the knife. She dropped it like a hot coal and looked away from Goloba. Temmy grabbed the knife and started to cut open the cock's throat, all the while she was screaming and praying feverishly. We prayed along with her, totally scared out of our wits.

Neways, we dressed Goloba and pop it inside the oven. It was roasting good with a nice aroma when G-funk' s mum suddenly arrived. We scratched our heads and danced on our feet. We were so jittery, she knew something was amiss. Then she demanded to know where we got the roasting chicken from.
'' hmmnn , hemmmmm, hemmmmm, Yinka's mom gave us the chicken. Hemmmmm, she has a poultry she is getting rid off.''
''hmmn, actually she just gave us a chicken''
'' well, we bought it from her''
'' maybe Yinka gave us the chicken, who knows?''

The lies were just tumbling over each other. She sighed and left us alone. She refused to eat out of the chicken when it was done. She just knew we were up to no good. Goloba tasted nice and we enjoyed it until Mama Tinuke's shrill voice came out loud and clear. She had started looking for her rooster!!!

I ran all the way home, though I was too slow because my belly was filled with the aromatic flesh of the Rooster King. I slept good the first night but immediately I woke up the next morning, I perceived a strong smell of chicken blood. I knew I was in trouble. I went around with my nostrils in the air for three days non-stop. I was a mess. Not suprisingly, my friends were having some nice guilt trips too. We were all miserable. We thought of confessing to Mama Tinuke but we were not sure we wouldnt end up in jail.

Finally, we knelt down and prayed hard to GOD, asking for forgiveness. We felt a little bit ok afterwards but it was so sad seeing Mama Tinuke lament about her rooster. May Mama Tinuke never see this blog o,amen. She would be so disappointed but that cock had been so annoying. I couldnt eat chicken for months, my mom thought it was the saw dust phobia once again but no, it was the Goloba Phobia.

Rooster King

After the nomadic experience, my mum decided to start a poultry farm. We all hated the idea but Pa was convinced that we could get to eat chicken we raised by ourselves instead of 'golobas' (cocks) that were raised only God-knows-where. Mum wasnt gonna get a farm hand, she had five children. What would she do with a farm hand? Sigh!!! She worked us to death. We had to go to the saw mill to get saw dust every saturday, this gave me a nasty allergic reaction and I never recovered. Pa was sure we were getting a lifetime trainnig to become sharp and smart kids. With the training in a chicken farm????? Sigh!!!My parents never believed that there was something their children couldnt handle. Pa taught us to change flat tires and, clean,and load up to shoot his double barrel. I could shoot with a good aim on a target by the time I was ten years old, likewise my sisters. I had the majestic duty of cleaning Pa's double barrel very saturday after each trip to the saw mill.


I was in junior high when my mum decided to get rid of the poultry farm. She had been doing it as a hobby, giving out chickens every month to our neighbors but I guess she got bored and started looking for another hobby to occupy her mind. I was so sick and tired of eating chickens. We ate nothing but chicken because mum wasnt selling them, she was growing the smelly birds and giving dozens out at the end of the month. We were so relieved we danced around for joy. Bye bye to saw dust, bye to allergies, bye to smelly chickens, bye to colic, and farewell to the saw mill.I vowed never to eat chicken in my life, ever!!!

After junior high exams, I was on a summer vacation of three months. I was elated but gradually got bored. I hooked up with my friends and we went everywhere we could. We were so bored we started sleeping in. One day, a young man came to the homestead and gave Pa a big bottle of Bacchoos Tonic Wine. The bottle sat there on the kitchen work table , unopened and beckoned at me for a week non-stop. I eyed it with disdain and resisted with all my will.I wasnt gonna start drinking liquor at age thirteen, I was a good girl, I assured myself. The following week I lost the battle and embraced the big bottle of wine. I thought of sharing it with Temmy and G-funk but I was home alone and had been ordered to be the ''aboki'' (security guard) for that day. I couldnt leave the house. I twisted the cap and inhaled deeply. The fumes went straight to my brain and my eyes and mouth watered. I promised myself that I was just gonna take a capful and leave the poor bottle alone.

The next thing I knew my sister was shaking me awake, I had been asleep for five hours. I squinted at her, she knew something was wrong. She raised the alarm that got me into trouble. Mum grabbed hold of me of me and shook me real hard. I was so drunk I couldnt make out her features. She thought I was ill until she perceived my breath. Two gigantic slaps landed and I nearly fainted. My sister rescued me and made me go under a very cold shower, then I was sick like a dog. Everything came up and out.I was okay if a bit shaky after an hour. I had to go and fish out the empty wine bottle from the trash. Mom had to see it. She couldnt believe her eyes. Well, she made me some nice pounded yam with vegetable soup, to settle my tummy, so she said. She never told Pa.

Two days after the wine palaver, I went to G-funk's house. We whined about the boredom and wished we could resume yesterday. Somebody knocked on the front door, it was Temmy. The three of us sat on the porch and gisted for several minutes until Mama Tinu's goloba strutted past.The bloody thing wasnt a peacock but it sure strutted like one with the full feathers and bushy tail. It had a beak as long as a whistle. G-funk had complained about the cock crowing right under her bedroom window. That was one annoying cock. We watched as it stepped like the Rooster King. We knew what to do.

Please Come My Way

Sometimes I feel like stepping out of myself and just beat myself silly. Get myself into a ring with British Bulldog, Sergeant Slaughter and Hulk Hogan and let them do whatever they want with me. Better still, let Undertaker give me a body slam. Its either I sleep for three years or just travel back in time to when I was six years old. That would be better because then I would take my steps along this path called life with extreme caution. I would guard my heart with jealousy and protect myself with a steel armour.

Ade called and I gushed like a baby with a mouthfull of milk. Disgusting, right? I have been gushing like this ever since I met this gentleman. Speechless and flustered if he as much smiled at me. I thought I was just shy and it took me a whole year to realise that I was just exhibiting the symptons of that virus called love. I held on to my sanity, trying very hard not to become vulnerable but all my efforts were futile, he provided in abundance all the ingredients needed to make a good pot roast of a relationship.

We chatted for half an hour, steering clear of emotional topics. We dissected Naija, the joys and the pains. That was the safest conversation we ever had. What was at the tip of my tongue was the great question, ' do you have a girlfriend or are u in a relationship right now?' but I couldnt utter the hateful '' girlfriend'' word and I was afraid he was gonna say ''Yes''. Neways I didnt ask him and I went back to the normal torture, trying to figure things out. I didnt want him to think I was making myself available. Hmmmm......Pride!!!!!!

Ade and I do not practise the same faith. I went into the relationship fully aware of this. I confided in Pa and he told me that as long as a man believes in God, he is sure to reap HIS blessings. In a way, Pa had given his go-ahead and nobody was gonna stop me. What came as a shock was that though I was well liked by his family, the religion factor was a big deal to them. They let me know that I had no choice but to convert and practise their faith and they actualy started calling me a name they felt suited me. Trust Yayi, I told them upfront one day that I wasnt gonna convert, nobody could make me loose all the values my parents instilled in me and they should stop calling me ''that''. The problems started.

Ade was not aware of this and I did not want to be labelled a telltale so I kept it to myself until all hell broke loose. His brother introduced a girl to him and he became confused. He started avoiding me. I knew what was going on and I realised there wasnt anything I could do about it. The girl belonged to the same religious sector as Ade's family.She was pretty and charming, so I heard but she was a first class bitch. She did a good job of hiding that beautiful character until she was found out. By this time I was long gone, putting miles between my heart and Ade.

Really, I dont know what to do. We have never talked about it. I am not sure I want to be with him. He could have resisted her but I could understand that he was just a man. Fine, but do I want him back with all the religious issue and all that???? I dont think so. His brother could decide one day that Ade needed a second wife or a third one to take care of him in his dotage.

Really what I need is young blood, new lethal lyrics and a fresh body. I am tired of seeing the same old faces, I am tired of being chased by ex-boyfriends. They dont want to understand that an ex is an ex, maybe they still have hopes of finishing what they never started or tasting what they will never have, I really dont know.

New lethal lyrics, please come my way. I promise to stop dreaming about Ade. Young blood, I am all yours. I am done with older men, though they could be sweet.Hmmmm.......fresh body please come my way. Ade has a very nice six pack shape but I promise never to compare him to you. You are much needed now. Please come my way. I reject all pregnant men with all my spirit and I come against any insecured man with all my being. Men with low self esteem will never be attracted to me again as long as there is Eledumare. I am not gonna be careless with my pysch again. New lyrics, please come my way!!!